Here is what he wrote:
I can feel for your problem here, but your profile doesn't fly, I think.
You can't find a woman using prepared dialogue. That is childish.
Rather, I think, you have to humiliate yourself and make sacrifices.
First, I would cut your hair. You are weird enough already, without
looking weird. Then, you will have to stop putting the make on women
who are years younger than you. I would check out a web site for
women 45 and older. Forget the others. You need to find someone with
life experiences that can relate to yours. You have to be ready to
make more compromises in her direction than you ask her to make in
yours. You have to consider what you have to offer. Betty and other
women I know all say that the most important thing in a man is
kindness. Your judgments in your latest blog are often not kind, and
to dash them off with an "oh, well" or a "yay" or a "Yippee" is
superficial, basically evasive, and this can make you sound as if you
lack depth of consideration.
What do you have to offer? Cleverness, intelligence, a
relatively wide experience of parts of this world. But are those
things really what a 50-year-old woman is looking for, or are they
merely casual-meeting window dressing? And what are you apt to bring
into a relationship? No money; few deep friends; a tendency to avoid
hard, day-after-day slogging work?
Sorry. This is a tough letter, but there are some damn nice
fifty-year-olds out there--ready to help, ready to give, worn a bit by
life and--quite possibly--men who have treated them either
superficially or badly.
If I were you, I would go there.
Love, toi brat.
Ernst
Wow! Talk about tough love! But I do appreciate his sincerity and his thoughts. They made me think. So, here is my response to his note - bit by bit.
I can feel for your problem here, but your profile doesn't fly, I think. (Not exactly sure what he means here, but I am thinking that he is suggesting that I am doing something wrong, or that I am not being the person who I need to be to attract a life partner.)
You can't find a woman using prepared dialogue. That is childish. (Yes, it is childish - or rather, child-like. I like to think that I am young at heart - but that isn't what he is saying - I believe he is saying that it is immature to use prepared language. Say what? Really? My brother is a playwright, amongst many talents. I am in the theatre myself. I also over-think just about everything. Preparing something to say, in case the opportunity arises to say it, is not childish in my opinion. It is necessary. I plan all the time. And if the plan doesn't happen, I deal with it. What is that old saw - failing to plan is planning to fail? Or something like that...)
((Weird - just had deja vu about this whole thing - me working on this blog post - totally strange when that happens...))
Rather, I think, you have to humiliate yourself and make sacrifices. (My brother is telling me I have to humiliate myself? And make sacrifices? I do the first often enough. In my humor, I tend to be cruel to myself over cruelty to others. I know I can take my humor. Others, I am not so sure about. What kind of humiliation is he thinking, I wonder? Peeing myself like a dog does when they are too excited that they can't hold it? Saying "humiliating" things? That aren't prepared? And what sort of sacrifices? Oh, wait, one of those is coming up in the next sentence.)(Also is that about settling? Look, I love myself too much to ever settle. If a relationship never happens, yes, I will keep whining about it - but I will be ultimately happier than if I choose to change myself and make sacrifices to win a lady's love...that being said, of course, I would definitely make sacrifices for anyone I loved.)
First, I would cut your hair. You are weird enough already, without looking weird. (This is an unexpected piece of advice from my brother. I didn't even know he knew how to cut hair. :) I did have a mullet at one point - I had a crush on my hairdresser, as I often have, and I trusted her. I have a picture somewhere if anyone is interested. Anyway, Yay for being weird. I like being weird. I like my hair. I am sure it is off-putting to some - yet surprisingly it is attractive to some too. And if someone is put-off by my hair, I am not sure that they are someone I am interested in knowing any better. The thought to cut off most of my hair and shave my face does go through my head sometimes. I might do it - but not so that I am more marketable. I won't go down that road. Heck, my other brother married a woman 25 years his junior and he barely has any hair to speak of. Hair didn't seem to matter to his spouse...Back to the weird notion. I tend to think of myself as unique and interesting rather than weird. And those are the people I tend to end up with and am attracted to - people with character - like my brother.)
Then, you will have to stop putting the make on women who are years younger than you. (I know this is a strange concept for people - but I don't look at people and become attracted to them, or become not attracted to them, by their age. Yes, on dating websites, I look at people's ages. That piece of data is prominently displayed - On a side note: I love it when people lie about their ages on dating profiles - my favorite was the woman who posted that she was 33 and in the first line of her profile said, "I am actually 46, but I look 33 and I like younger men." Nice. - Anyway, yes, some of the women I am attracted to are young. Certainly. Though our family does have a couple of April-December (January-December?) relationships already in the history books. My mom and dad were 23 years apart - and as I mentioned my other brother and his current wife are 25 years or so apart. Sure big age differences aren't the norm - but I don't focus on age. I focus on attraction - intellectual, emotional, physical. Age is a good rule of thumb, and truth be told, I would be happy to find someone my age or around my age to whom I was attracted. A few of my partners have been around my age - some older, some younger. So, nice thought, but I will continue as I am, thank you. Age is age and not the major parameter by which I choose a partner.)
I would check out a web site for women 45 and older. Forget the others. You need to find someone with life experiences that can relate to yours. (I do searches that include women older than I am. I hope that will suffice. And see the above verbiage. As for life experiences - I have been fortunate to have had more life experiences than most people - certainly different ones. So finding someone to relate to those would be awesome. But again, age doesn't matter - it is the person and their experiences and what they have learned from those experiences that are important. I am not an ageist. If some one is 22 and has had amazing life experiences, great. Most 22 year olds I meet haven't had that, so aside from being nice to talk to now and then, I know they aren't partner material...I also know people my age and older who have had few life experiences of note - also probably not partner material. It is an ageist idea to think that age determines one's depth, quality and quantity of experience...)
You have to be ready to make more compromises in her direction than you ask her to make in yours. (Excuse me? What? I have to make more compromises in her direction? I haven't even met her and he suggests I make compromises? Sorry, but I don't plan on settling for some relationship just because I am not in one. And I don't expect my partner to either. Once we are in the relationship, of course compromises will be made - probably on both sides - but I won't actually keep score.)
You have to consider what you have to offer. (Sounds good - consider it considered...)
Betty and other women I know all say that the most important thing in a man is kindness. (Yay Kindness! I always thought it was humor, I stand edified.)
Your judgments in your latest blog are often not kind, and to dash them off with an "oh, well" or a "yay" or a "Yippee" is superficial, basically evasive, and this can make you sound as if you lack depth of consideration. (I think he is referring to my saying that Monty's mom "scurried" away. Yup, that wasn't kind - but it was accurate. And just because I am not kind sometimes, does not mean I am not kind most of the time. I think I am pretty kind. And thoughtful. At least my mom thinks I am - again, that is suspect because she has Alzheimer's - but still...Yes, "Oh well," "yay" and "yippee" can be superficial, evasive and smack of lack of depth and consideration. On the other hand, I do try to be upbeat about negative occurrences in my life - hence the yay, yippees. I also tend not to be attached to negative things - hence the oh wells. And as for lack of consideration - well, I try to avoid saying negative things - where's the point in that? I mean, I didn't call MM names, or dwell on any negative qualities I might have noticed in our few encounters (not that there were any, but I am just pointing our that I didn't mention them or make any up). I think that shows consideration. Now if by consideration he meant pondering, explicating and exploring, well, I do a lot of that. Mostly about me since I can't really get into other people's heads...)
What do you have to offer? (Fair question)
Cleverness, intelligence, a relatively wide experience of parts of this world. (Thank you. All true!)
But are those things really what a 50-year-old woman is looking for, or are they merely casual-meeting window dressing? (Hmm, I hope that those are things that the partner I am looking for values. And yes, they sure make for dandy conversation starters. And they are great for casual meetings and hook ups...oh, wait, I don't think I have ever "hooked up..." Not being a 50 year old woman, I don't know the answer to this question.)
And what are you apt to bring into a relationship? (Again, fair question)
No money; few deep friends; a tendency to avoid hard, day-after-day slogging work? (Wow! Right! No money is so true. Less than no money. I do hope that my partner-to-be is also not materialistic and money centric. Again, if a person is all about the benjamins, she probably isn't the right person for me. Few deep friends? Everything I understand about friendship sort of makes it clear that is how it works - one has few deep friends. Some good friends, lots of acquaintances. What is this supposed to mean? That I can't make friends? That I am basically a loser because I have few deep friends? As for the work thing - let's set this picture straight, shall we? My brother was a college professor for his entire career. An excellent one, always going above and beyond the call of duty (I am still slightly addicted to COD by the way), always taking on lots of extra work because it was rewarding for him (one hopes). He burned the candle at both ends for his job - and did lots of other non work related activities as well. We all marvel at how hard he worked and what amazing things he produced and the students and others he inspired and inspires. Yay him! As for me, well, I started working when I was probably 10 years old and haven't, as far as I can tell, ever stopped. And is it bad to avoid day-after-day slogging work? Oh, I forgot hard. Yup, I have never worked a hard job in my life. Come on, bro, really? I don't even know how to respond to this. Suffice it to say, I have worked hard, day-after-day. My work may look different than what he expects, but it is and has been there. And probably will be for the foreseeable future. Yay!)
Sorry. (No need to apologize)
This is a tough letter, (not so tough, really. And not as tough as I am on myself) but there are some damn nice fifty-year-olds out there--ready to help, ready to give, worn a bit by life and--quite possibly--men who have treated them either superficially or badly. (I am sure there are some darn nice fifty year olds out there - and if my brother knows any, I hope he will please give them my email address - send them my blog link, give them my phone number. I am willing, ready and able to meet anyone and everyone. I like people. And who knows who will be a potential partner. As for the ones who are worn a bit and who have been treated superficially or badly - as long as they have come out of their experiences with a positive, optimistic or even realistic view of life, great! The others - though I am happy to know them, I don't know that I can "fix" them. Still, I will give anyone a shot.)
If I were you, I would go there. (Thank you for the advice, older sib!)
Love, toi brat. (Et toi, mon frère!) (I think he still remembers me as a toddler...)
8 comments:
Speaking as someone who doesn't know you or your brother AT ALL, but strictly from an objective point of view (and as a student of psychology and human behavior), I would say the following:
1. your brother is spot-on;
2. you come off in your responses as very defensive and almost flippant; and
3. posting your response to your brother's heartfelt letter on your blog seems passive aggressive to me.
But best of luck to you! I do enjoy reading your blog.
Thank you for your comments! I disagree that my brother is spot on. I do agree that my responses were defensive and flippant. Appearance is reality. I appreciate your comments, even though I have no idea who you are.
Well, he's not spot-on about everything. As a 50ish woman I can say for sure that while kindness is important, it isn't universally the MOST important. It is a myriad of factors that include intelligence, humor, kindness, experience, trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, independence, and sincerity.
I also disagree that a willingness to humiliate oneself is something to be desired in a relationship (unless you're into that kind of, um, thing).
But other than that...
Anyway --- clearly he cares and meeting it with defensiveness and flippancy seems like maybe he hit a nerve or two. But again, best of luck. :-)
Yup, he definitely hit nerves. Yay!
Augustus, I hate to say it but your brother is right on many counts. I'm glad he wrote to you. I'm a 50-something woman, so maybe this will have some merit. Also, I know a guy in a situation very close to your's, so let me take a crack at this...
Trust me when I say that prepared dialogue comes off as just that - something you've been waiting to say just in case the opportunity arises. People DO notice it. It is less childish than just plain creepy. Spontaneity is a much better approach and you'll come off as more truthful and less creepy. And I use the word 'creepy' in part because I think you are scaring women away with your actions, not so much your true self. Also, 'childish' or 'child-like' does not matter. Definitely not attracting real women with those qualities. It seems that he meant 'humiliate yourself' by having unscripted conversation. It's not that difficult. You can do it.
And by 'make sacrifices' I think he means cutting your hair. I will say that your hair and facial hair, as long as both are clean and at least trimmed, should be fine. But if you are going around looking unkempt, you are not going to get a second look or maybe even a first look. As far as your humor, stop being cruel to yourself. Also not attractive. Really. And whining? Enough already. Nobody wants to hear that crap. Nobody. I don't believe for one second that you'd be happier alone than giving yourself a chance to find love. I think you're hiding from it with a bunch of lame excuses about loving your hair and yourself so much. "Unique and interesting"... Yes, just like everyone else, but people like to fit in somewhere. Obviously, you would like to or you wouldn't be whining about your love life.
Just because your family has some May-December relationships, doesn't mean a thing. You really should stick to women closer to your own age. I myself have had relationships with men 10 years younger and 10+ years older and while they were fun and interesting while they lasted, you really don't get to be your true self with people that don't relate. Narrowing your focus can be a good thing. And what is this bullshit about "life experiences of note ... not partner material"? That's a bit out there. Everything is a life experience.
Ernst said "ready to make more compromises". Don't worry about that one. SHE will have to be ready too.
I'm fairly certain that honesty, integrity, kindness, humor, cleanliness, intelligence and many other qualities are at the top of different women's lists of important qualities in a man. Yes, 50-year-old women do like cleverness, intelligence and experience. We also like someone who is financially stable, reliable, and all of the above. HOWEVER, 50-year-old women are also aware that this list is probably not going to be packaged into one human-being and are accepting of men who meet most of those or the ones that are most important to them. We don't live in that starry-eyed place where Mr. Everything is going to come along. Most of us don't need Mr. Everything at this point in our lives anyway! Just try to be most of them. You probably already are!
Last but not least - please stop looking at every available woman that you are attracted to as a potential partner or 'crush' or 'favorite' (pharmacist, hairdresser, whatever). You will NEVER find someone while you are LOOKING. Plus that really creeps women out... and "I will give anyone a shot"? What the hell? It sure doesn't sound like you're even giving yourself a shot.
Good luck, Augustus... be yourself, but be a better version maybe?
Do we know each other, Anonymous, in real life?
First off, when I say that I practice conversations in my head, that doesn't mean that they come out that way - they aren't "lines" or canned speech. It is called being prepared and thinking ahead. So, get off that already.
As for child-like - sorry that doesn't float your boat - I will remain young at heart until I die - I like splashing in puddles, playing with paint with my fingers - blowing dandelion fluff - looking at clouds and telling people what shapes I see - if you don't - sorry. Sad for you.
Just because I say I am cruel to myself, doesn't mean that I am always cruel to myself - again, have you read my blogs? Do I beat up on myself all the time? I don't think I do. Again, get over it. You are taking everything I say waaaaay too literally. Some of what I write is for effect - obviously it has affected you - pushed some of your buttons. Yay! Maybe you are a therapist in real life. Maybe you think what you are writing helps - but it really just irks me and turns my mind off.
As for living alone versus finding love - of course I would be happier in a loving relationship - the point was that I am happier alone than in a bad relationship. Duh.
And I am very happy alone so I would really need to be in a very happy relationship to be happier - though happiness is a choice and not something that can be modified by external events - at least in my philosophy.
A woman who has lived in the same county on a farm her entire life may have had some awesome experiences and they may have been noteworthy to her. I don't know that we would be able to connect on many levels. As opposed to someone who has traveled might appeal more. Again, you are reading way too much into what I wrote.
I will stick to the woman I choose as a life partner - regardless of age - and be accepting of them regardless of age. Get the word there - accepting. As for focusing, I will do that when there are people I am interested on - again, regardless of age. Geez, what is with you people and the age issue. Get over it - and yourselves.
You are speaking for yourself - which is all you really can do - I love the phrase "financially stable." What kind of crap is that? Again, I feel sorry for people who value money, as you obviously do. I have all the other qualities you listed - except cleanliness - I am a sloth and the last time I took a shower was, hmm, well, I never have. And I don't believe in cleanliness anyway. Too much work. Everything just gets dirty anyway. And if I don't wash my hands, my nails get this really cool stuff under them and they look like the opposite of French Tips. And people love my fetid breath and body odor. Yay! Lucky them to live in a world with my slovenly self! Or are you a "godder?"
Thank you for telling me what will never happen. I guess we can add psychic to your many other abilities. I love me and I always give myself a shot. I aim to be accepting of everyone - even people who have a hard time letting things go. Which means I will continue to go along as I am. As an excellent version of myself. Good luck with being a better version of yourself whoever you are.
.Your brother is a doody-head! The hair is gorgeous! The facial hair is a nice complement to the long beautiful hair. I'm a few (ok, maybe a few more than a few) years older than you, and if were not for the distance issue, I would love to date you, and eventually (hopefully) have it turn into something more like a relationship. So, take your brother's words for just that - words. Be yourself!
Thank you Pink Shadow! You rock! :)
Post a Comment