Fear of feeling fearful - is there a phobia of fear? Phobophibia.

I hope, that as I age, I maintain a modicum of fearlessness. My mom is afraid of everything - including everyday stuff - like breathing and walking and, well, everything. I don't know that I would be able to live in a such a constant state of fear...

My right ear is blocked again. Poo. I will adjust or it will get better or both or neither. Grrr.

When I first came to take care of my mom a few years ago, she was pretty autonomous. Now, I am a little worried to leave her alone for more than an hour at a time - maybe two or three depending on the day - but four makes me really anxious. And I can't really tell her where I am going as a) she just forgets and b) gets anxious if it is someplace new. OK places for me to be going are: grocery shopping and The Smith. So if I am headed out for whatever reason, I am doing one of those two things in her mind. Luckily, right now, there isn't a lot happening at the Smith, so I don't need to be there for long stretches of time. We shall see what happens come the Spring.

I took most of the day off from the puzzle yesterday. I got a couple of pieces put together and a couple of pieces added to the pieces already attached in the puzzle - but not the leaps and bounds that occurred in the past few days. Moderation and patience - always working on those two "virtues."

The Smith did get a bit of my time yesterday. One of my projectionists was really, really late. Got there at 1:45 when he was supposed to be there at 1:00. Sigh. So I got to go in and be there for a while. Which was a good thing, since it seemed like he had also forgotten how to run the movies. Double sigh.

Oh, I did get to Lake Drum's chocolate and beer and BYOV (bring your own vinyl) event. Sadly my copy of Court of the Crimson King is totally messed up. Maybe all of my records are. I don't know. I haven't actually played many of them since, well, for a long, long time. Why the heck am I holding on to them still? Silly Augustus. Speaking of which, I did decide to let go of some plastic baggage that has been accumulating for years and years (and years and years).

But I got away from my subject. There was quite a crowd at Lake Drum - especially for a Sunday afternoon. My enjoyment was spoiled a little because of my ear being stuffed up. We early muggers got a yummy taste treat as well - I think I posted a picture of it on Instagram - pulled pork plus! The taste of chocolate was pretty yummy, chocolate with bacon. I did think that there would be more chocolate tasting than just the one little tidbit, but there wasn't. The tasting of beers that Victor and Jenna shared more than made up for it, though!

I didn't end up buying any of the chocolate that was for sale. Lake Drum was out of the beer I have been partaking of there most recently, so I made do with the Smoked IPA.

Next stop yesterday, grocery store. Yippee! I love going to the grocery store. Is that acutely weird?

I spend a lot of time on Facebook. And recently on Instagram as well. And I comment and "like" a lot of posts. I do worry (a teeny bit) that people get tired of me always writing on their posts. But I like to feel like I am actually engaged in something, rather than just sitting here passively and not interacting. If they don't want their crap commented on, don't post it. Anyway...

There are good things about being up early

Aren't there? I am sure there are. Hmm, more hours in the day? No, not really. I mean if I am awake for 17 hours, does it matter which seventeen? I think not. Well, I will keep pondering And since I am up early, I will ponder now! I will ponder ponderously!

Ok, pondering done. Well, napping at least. Anyway, I went in to the Smith this morning and had a brief meeting with a member of the Buildings and Grounds committee. It was very informative for me. I hope it was for him. Week Two of the Fire Curtain - or is it three now - is winding to a close. I am looking forward to seeing what progress they made today. They seemed a bit surprised that I needed to have the theatre ready for a film on Friday, though I had mentioned to it several times.

This morning was recycling day! I haven't done much sorting lately, and the big pile in the dining room is gone - mom hasn't noticed that I can tell. So I wasn't sure what to put in there. I do have a cache of boxes behind the yellow sofa in the living room. I grabbed one, opened it and sorted it really quickly - the boxes there are mostly sorted already. I was saving stuff in case mom wanted it. Mom won't want it. So I recycled almost the whole thing. Yay!

Guess who neatened his room!?!

That's right, this guy. Phase one is complete. I got my room back to a semblance of neatness. Most of the mess was clothing. So it wasn't that hard to clean up. We did laundry yesterday - mom read a book, had a snickers bar and a bottle of water out of the vending machines and watched me put clothes in machines and take them out again. She is, as I type, working away at folding some of the clothes. Go mom!

Sorry for the digression - where was I when I so rudely interrupted myself - oh, right, a neatened room. I wouldn't say clean because, well, it could do with a bit of vacuuming. That isn't going to happen anytime soon. Later today or tomorrow, though, the plan is to clean up my desk like thing - tomorrow - bill paying. Baby steps.

We also went to the library. Mom didn't really know why she wanted to go. Then she decided it was for Gideon books - they were all out of the library. And a book that she saw on the back of the New Yorker - which has four people requesting it before us. Yippee. I am thinking a few months before she will get to have it in her hands. We took out two Rumpole of the Bailey books but she found the one she tried to read not to her liking. Back they will go! I got out two audio books that I picked randomly from the shelves. I hope they are ok. 

Oh, huge-ish news! The pile of newspapers and other things in the corner of the dining room is completely gone. All that remains are some National Geographics which I have a hard time getting rid of for some reason. But they will be moving soon. I think the last time that corner was empty was 2009. Yay!

I did spend some time at the Smith yesterday, despite wanting to have a full week day away from the place. I did neaten a little there as well. And decided I would like some cross bracing on the light storage unit that Bruce built. It wobbles side to side a little too much for my comfort. I don't think that will present a problem. Not looking forward to working on that project on Monday. Poo even.

I ordered a set of Marx Brothers movies for mom. We shall see if she likes them as much as the Fred Astaire movies. I doubt she will. But at least we will have them for a rainy day. Speaking of which, I think a lot of the Northeast is getting rain today. Yay! And the trees are starting to tunr colors and shed leaves. Before we know it, snow! Erich, one of my nephews, loves winter. Me, I can take it or leave it. I have read somewhere that it is supposed to be a very cold winter. Brrr.

Two weeks in a row!

I'm back! Phew! When I forgot to put the recycling out last week, it really threw me. True, my reminder on my computer had stopped (why had I stopped it?) so nothing popped up at midnight to tell me to put the recycling out. I don't know why I felt so discombobulated by a missed rendezvous with the recycling. Maybe because it is the one thing I can do each week that makes me feel like I am emptying the house of clutter just a teeny bit. Teeny, weeny, little bit. But better than nothing! Two weeks and counting!

Met at the Smith to talk about movies. Apparently we are going to be showing movies at the local Girls and Boys club as well as at the Smith. Interesting. So I had to get my head around two different sets of programming. Not a big deal, in the larger scheme of things. Still, all information has the potential to be useful. And I did learn a good bit. Somehow, though, I got the times all mucked up. I thought David and I were meeting at 4 and the meeting about the community center movies was to be at 5. Ooops. 3 and 4 respectively. I was only an hour off, but on time for the group meeting. Yay. I am hoping I can do some of the film stuff from my Mac. There are mostly MSFT PCs at work. Although I can get around them in a pinch, it has been years since I have done a lot of work with them. Poo even. But I will re-learn. Yippee!

At some point in the near future, motivation must be manufactured to get out of the little rut in which I have maneuvered myself. There are many things that would benefit me to get accomplished and I am really busy at not accomplishing them. Not that my days are so jam packed with other priorities. (Like getting my blog done - big and tough and rewarding that one is)(ok, yes, it is - well the last one mostly, which, when I analyze it, is pretty important to a sense of well-being) And making lunch and dinner and doing a crossword with mom are not that time consuming. Oh, I did have a realization - not an epiphany-let because it was really a one time thing - or maybe those ought to be reversed in meaning - hmm - anyway, while showering, last year (I like to be dirty) I put together my plan for an evening meal. Yay! Don't you find that the effort of figuring out what to make for dinner can be daunting at times?

Last night, latish, I met up with David and Keiran and Jason and Laura and played some pool at Trotta's. No one was there except for the bartender, Mario. He graciously let us play as long as we wanted, which ended up being till about midnight. I didn't play all that well. I realize that I am still ok, not good. Certainly not great. Sigh. Still love playing, though. Even on small bar tables.

Cooking to do

I have things I would like to do in the kitchen and I am busy not doing them. Like making lemon bars. I just like lemon bars so would like to try my hand at them. One day. And I have a seedless watermelon that desperately needs to be de-rind(ed?) so that just the edible bits are left. Which is everything since it has no seeds. And I am not doing that either. Sigh. Maybe I will get to them both. One day soon.

Wednesday night, as I was putting out the recylcing - which didn't get taken last week because it was July 4th - I decided to be a little ruthless - I put out a large bit of the pile of mom's New York Review of Books newspaper like things. Yay! If, after mom leaves the house, I leave the house too - because as I noted, so far, there is nothing keeping me here - and I am not, surprisingly, getting any younger - then I need to clean it out a good bit - either to rent it or to sell it. I would prefer to rent it for the time being, as I have a lot of stuff that I am not going to find it easy to let go of - like my pool table and my GiJoes and having the house means that there is storage space for stuff. Hmm.

Wednesday night I dreamt that a woman (who I knew in the dream, but upon waking didn't recognize) asked me out before I could get up the nerve to ask her out. Made me wake feeling hopeful. Then again, I often feel that hopeful. Until I eat something. Weird?

Wow, Thursday night was surprising and depressing, all at the same time. After rehearsal for the opera, I was determined to go to Red Dove to have a beer and to say hi to Sarah in her new position as Thursday night bartender. So despite there only being one seat available again, at least it was a corner chair, which really made all the difference. As soon as I walked in, though, I saw lots of people I knew, which was mildly surprising. And they all said hi, which was nice (not surprising or depressing). But they were all in couples - which was the depressing bit. Add to that the fact that Jessica no longer works at Red Dove - which is good for her and sad for me - well, it wasn't an optimal experience. One of the couples did buy my beer for me - that was surprising and nice. Almost made up for the seemingly "rub it in your face that you aren't in a relationship" aspect of the night.

I ate a whole sleeve of saltines while watching Star Trek (original series - only many episodes left to go). Yup. For no particular reason. Well, except that if I didn't eat all of them, there would have been some left, which would have necessitated some sort of storage or they would have gone stale. Few things are worse than stale saltines. I did notice that the sleeve was at least 10 saltines less full than similar sleeves had seemed to be in the past - another example of product amount shrinkage to maintain the same price point. Sigh.

Mom's current memory is "A noisy noise annoys an oyster!" How cute is that? Not one with which I was familiar.

And then there were four?

I was wrong about the ages of my brother's kids - they are 4, 3 and 1. True, the oldest is almost 5, but not quite yet. And he manages them so well! I guess he got enough practice from the first three that these three are easy.

In three minutes, seemingly, with two people, my tasklets all got accomplished. This is one reason it is good to have a partner in life. Not that Karl, my brother, is my partner, but I am just saying. We moved a chair into the basement, a foam mattress thingie into the attic and I got up the motivation to go fix a fence - not as hard as it sounds. And it isn't really fixed. More like I put a figurative band-aid on the problem. Sadly, Karl laughed at me when I said that my plan was to clean up the habitable areas of the house first before taking on the basement and the attic and the garage/barn structure. Oh well. I will keep plugging along. A little bit at time and before one knows it, icky and huge tasks are completed! Speaking of which, anyone think I ought to keep electric typewriters or should I let them go to the recyclers?

Well, dinner was interesting. My brother cooked, which meant that I didn't. Yay! Not that I mind cooking, but anything I don't have to do, is fine by me. The kids are all at different stages of eating habits and tendencies. Karl handles them so well! Then, Jacob let slip that Candace is pregnant again. That will make four babies and counting. That's all I am going to say. (Thankfully, I think mom has forgotten already...)

I don't mind chaos. Really, I don't. And I don't mind craziness. Disruption of routine, fine. All in moderation as I know that this too shall pass. Last night for a little but I just felt really intolerant. But I breathed through it.

Mom hasn't let on as to whether or not she is enjoying all of the stimulation. When she has a better audience than I am, she exaggerates her infirmity. I know that she is not as firm on her pins as she once was, but she is not as incapable as she likes to make people think. Sigh. She did become exhausted, that much is sure.

We went to see Star Trek: Into Darkness. It was a sort of remake of the television Original Series episode where Khan is introduced. I enjoyed the movie, all things considered. Not loved it, like my brother, but enjoyed it. I didn't like the costumes at all. Is that too picky? I am not thrilled with any of the characters/actors except Spock and Uhura - so happy they are in a relationship! And it it no way explores difficult social issues in a serious way like the original series and to a lesser extent the other series did. Still, not too bad. Glad I saw it on a big screen. I could tell that they did a good bit for 3d versions of the film but I don't think we lost too much by seeing it in 2d. One thing that irks me is the gratuitous use of aliens in the movie. Who is the little critter who is a coworker of Scotty's? Who is the cyborg on the bridge? What kind of alien was the one we glimpse in the detention area? And others. The Klingons looked pretty scary and they had bat'leths. Does anyone know if the Klingon in the movie is the same as it has always been? (I think it was...)

Who did some exploring?

This guy! This guy did some exploring today. First stop, a new beer place that is opening in Geneva. I stopped by and walked in because the doors were open. There were three people there - two women and a man. The man barely said a word. From the women I learned that the place will open in 8-10 days or 3 weeks. That they are waiting for the liquor license which they already have. And that they will have 20 or 24 taps. Yay! I guess I will check back later. No web page or Facebook page apparently...

Next stop was at a place called 2prg -  apparently a fairly wide spread electronics recycling organization. Zero landfill results from things brought there - they don't take air conditioners or humidifiers/dehumidifiers but just about everything else, including floppy disks, CDs and video tapes. Yay! Now I just have to bring myself to let go of some of the useless electronic stuff I have accumulated over the years.

So, how was that for exploring?! Other than that, I had a pleasant time at the laundromat.

Hey, did everyone know that the best way to store carrots is in water? I didn't - I had to look it up on the internet! I am very happy to be living in the internet age. How about you? Now, how to store grapes...ok, basically don't wash them before storing them in ziploc bags in the fridge. I wouldn't have guessed about the not washing part...

Watched Hanna the other night. Not a great movie by any stretch of the imagination. I don't think it figured out what sort of movie it was. Action for sure - but what else? Science Fiction? Suspense? Feel good because the girl sort of makes friends? I don't know. I can't tell if the little girl is a good actress, but I am pretty sure she isn't. Eric Bana was ok at best. And Cate Blanchett was terrible. If you want to see a young girl kill lots of people, watch the movie - otherwise you might let it slide!